Our first "First" - Sibling Christmas

Dear Noah,
Yesterday we had our first Sibling Christmas without you.  It was hard, but we did it.
You are loved and missed, little brother of mine.
~ Ab

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday
I felt the hole
you left when you were taken

The plate with your name
came out of the box
accompanied with a simple question
“Ab, what should we do with this?”

A plate made with your name
a place holder
for a place you will never again fill
a reminder that this year
and all the years to come
will never be the same

Your face
your voice
your hugs
your nose stuck in a book
your laughter
your teasing
your acting
your singing
your nieces and nephews clamoring for you to play
your amazing gag gifts
your trail of candy wrappers
your presence
all the things that made you you
all the things that drove us crazy
all the things that made us love you

They aren’t here
and we aren’t complete
we will never be the same again

There’s a hole now where you used to stand
in groups and hugs and games
we’re shorter
our singing doesn’t sound the same
our laughter is missing notes
we sing and laugh and play again
because we must go on
but it’s not the same

Happy, funny moments
laughter followed by tears
talents, skits and memories acted out
I laughed
but ached with the knowledge
if you were here
you would have been in your element
this part of our evening
was when you shone
we aren’t as good without you

Yesterday
I felt the hole
deep, lonely
aching, unbalanced
pain-filled, sorrowful
and somehow
filled with love
filled with hope
filled with gratitude

Because you are a part of us
we will never be the same

Today
I feel the hole
you left when you were taken.

The Painful Sort of Memories

This is not my usual sort of post. But I need to share it. These are my memories and I want my kids to have them some day.

Noah David, I love and miss you more than I have words to express.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Middle of the night phone ringing
fumbling for a phone I can not find
ringing stops
I can’t sleep so I walk
up the stairs to rooms filled with lights
but empty of people
no message light flashes
maybe it was a butt dial
caller id says Muonios
not a cell phone
stomach clenches into hard knots
frantic phone calls home
busy signal...busy signal...busy signal...busy signal
No...no...no...no...
dread fills my heart
suddenly the red message light flashes
my heart skips a beat
I press the button
Mom’s voice, quiet and terrible...
“...if you get this call home right away.”
The last of my hope that it was nothing shatters
Who?  What?  
Lord help me to bear what’s next.
I call again and again
busy signal...busy signal...busy signal
NO...NO...NO...


And then noise on the stairs
“Ab?”
Her voice has never sounded like that
and she never looks like that
shaky, wide-eyed, terror stricken
What is happening?
And then the words that tear my heart out
She can barely speak them
I can hardly bear to hear them
“Ab, mom called me.  She said that a car hit Noah.  
She said that the car hit him and he died.  
That’s what she told me on the phone.
Ab, what is going on?  What is happening?”
And all I can do is try to hold her together with a hug

Shock.
Eyes unfocused in a blank stare.
No tears yet.
Hardly able to breathe
And then
shaking that starts somewhere deep inside
when your heart gets ripped apart
it must be hard for your body to hold it together
What in the world is happening?

No.  He was supposed to be safe in Ohio
We weren’t supposed to lose another brother
What is going on?

And then down the hall, another sister
All I can do is beckon her to our hug
I open my mouth to try to tell her
But all that it says is, “It’s bad.  Oh, it’s so, so bad.”
My little sister has to say the words again
I should be her big sister and say them for her
It doesn’t feel real
It can’t be real.
WAKE UP!  Oh, please wake up!

Back down the stairs to my bedroom
He is awake and worried
I try to tell him and manage to say the words
Weeping on my bed
He tries to hug me
cries with me
and bravely takes on the task of telling
the girl whose biggest fear
was not ever seeing her uncle again
How did she know?

The phone rings
“Mom?  Oh, Mama...I’m so sorry.”
And she speaks bravely
in that terrible, quiet, grief-filled voice
“Noah was killed tonight.  
A car hit him as he was riding his bike to his shift...
How many pieces of my heart can get torn out
while it keeps on beating?”
I don’t have an answer
What can I say?
I’m sorry, Mama
I’m so sorry
I don’t understand
What is happening?

My weeping daughter
clutching her Noah bear
joins us on the couches
as we sit
mostly in silence
punctuated with sobs
and kleenexes
holding on to each other

We pray
for strength
and understanding
why?  Oh Lord, WHY?
and forgiveness for our lack of faith
to feel His presence
that he would hold us up
that he would not abandon us
even when we can not see him
And the sister who has been quiet
quietly quotes through misty eyes
“Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.”

Life goes on...

It's hard to believe it's been over three weeks since our lives got turned upside down when we got the terrible news my little brother had been killed.  I am so grateful for the resilience and joy that kids are so full of  - God has blessed me with many reasons and occasions to smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

N: "Ab, I love you SO much.  I even love you more than lemonade and lollipops."

How can I help but smile about that?  :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

J (Pointing frantically at the people near us):  "MOM!  LOOKIT!"
Me:  "J, it isn't polite to point at people."
J:  "But there's some humans over there.  I haven't met them yet."

I swear my kid really thinks he is a robot...or a T-Rex.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

J is running crazily from room to room GROWLING.
N:  "J, that is not what pterodactyls do."
J:  "Duh!  I'm a T-REX!"

Clearly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

J:  "Mom, lookit.  It's my miracle!"  (holds up a plastic baby spoon)
Me:  Your miracle?"
J:  "Yep.  It's a talking spoon."

Hugging Days

Sometimes life is hard.  We are grieving the loss of my little brother who was killed when a car hit him as he was riding his bike to work for the night shift.  Noah was one of the best uncles the world has known. He loved my kids, and they adored him.  Last night, after a long day of seeing all of the big people in his life grieve, J came over to give me hug, looked at me with a very serious face and said, "It's a hugging day today."  

We love and miss you, Noah David.  Our hearts are broken.

A little Catch Up

It's been a while...so here are a few tidbits:

N:  Ab, the KIMONO zoo is bigger than the Minnesota zoo, right?
Me: No, the COMO zoo is smaller.
N:  Pretty sure it's the KIMONO zoo.

I'm pretty sure it's not, but okay.

-------------------------------------------------------------

While camping in the north woods by beautiful Lake Kabetogama, J got to do some fishing and also watch Papa Mike fillet a few sauger.  The next time we were at the beach he decided to fix everyone on the beach "chicken fish".  He carefully found some aquatic plants with thicker stems and broke them into pieces.  Then he proceeded to "whack 'em on the head so they're dead", cut them up with a "knife" (stick), season them by sprinkling sand on them, toss them in flour (more sand) and cook them, and then serve everybody on the beach one by one.  "Want some chicken fish?"  Thankfully, all of them were moms/grandparents/other kids who were familiar with fishing, so they weren't too traumatized.  In case you were wondering if he pays attention while he's running and playing, the answer is, apparently, yes.  :)

-----------------------------------------------------------

J:  Mama, you can just make mine food in the "heat wave".

Me:  ?????

J: You know, this.  (points at the microwave)


                                          ------------------------------------------------------------

At the McDonald's indoor playground, J comes down crying to the table:
Me:  What's the matter, sweet pea?
J:  That...that...that HUMAN hit me.

Yes, as opposed to the robots that were nice to you.

                                          -----------------------------------------------------------

Steve was holding J, and J was drinking out of Steve's glass of pop:
J: *loud belch* (tips the cup and looks in it) "Dad...is this BURPING JUICE?"

Genius, I Tell You.

I got a funny text from S's mom:

"Cute quote for the day.
We are watching a kids' show together and S said, 'Mommy, you are a genius!'
'Wow, thanks!  Where did you learn that word?'
'J and N call their mommies geniuses.'
'Do you know what that word means?'
'Yep, it means you are a really good cook and you have LOTS of playtime.' "

And now you know.

A "Robber" and Colored Hearts

I love the conversations I have with N when there are no other kids around to compete for his talking time.  :)

Today on the way to his house to meet his parents so they could leave on a trip to visit friends in a neighboring state:

N: "Ab, I am going to see my friend Jackson.  I remember his name now.  Once I forgot his name for a WHOLE day, and then I knew it.  And I know his dad's name."
Me: "Really?  What is it?"
N: "Robber.  But he's not a bad guy, he just has a bad guy name.  He really isn't a bad guy.  And mine friend's mom isn't a bad guy either.  I think her name is Jen.  That's just like my mom."
Me:  "Oh.  I'm glad they aren't bad guys.  It would be scary to be friends with bad guys."
N:  "It's very good.  Because if mine friend's dad was a bad guy, and his mom was a bad guy, then Jackson and him's little sister would be bad guys too."
Me:  "Well, not necessarily.  What if your friend and his little sister asked Jesus to come into their hearts?"
N:  "They'd be TRANSFORMED!"
Me:  "Really?  What does transformed mean?"
N"  "Their hearts change.  Into different colored ones."
Me:  "Interesting.  Well, what color are bad guy hearts?"
N:  "Black.  With bad guy pictures on them."
Me:  "What do they look like when Jesus comes into them?"
N:  "Red.  With Jesus pictures on them."

Pause

Me: "N, is your friend's dad's name Robert?  With a "tuh, tuh, t on the end?"
N:  "Oh.  Yah.  Probably.  And he's not a bad guy."

Have I mentioned how much I love this kid? :)